Dear DR PHIL & DR LAURA, NOW WHAT?

WOMEN LIKE SEX

Apprectiation,

respect, connection

and . . . sex when they feel these things.

WOMEN like sex with men who appreciate them

Women LIKE sex with men who repsect them

Women like SEX with men who connect with them

WOMEN LIKE SEX when they feel respected and rejuvenated.

Honest love and a pure and true connection, Many WOMEN like being loved and learned by someone who sticks around after the "party", that's a recipe worth repeating.

MEN NEED SEX

Sex,

appreciation

and . . . respect.

MEN need sex to feel appreciated,

Men NEED sex to feel connected,

Men need SEX to feel rejuvenated and respected.

MEN NEED SEX

Along with these needs, a MAN wants to provide, and one way of providing is by GIVING sex to his WOMAN, maybe to feel he has given her something she needs.

Now that I have your attention I can slide into the rest of my subject and then I'll get back to this one . . . I promise.

WE AGREE

from www.scx.hu

SO . . .

MEN need sex

WOMEN like sex

MEN need sex to feel

(fill in the blank - any answer works here).

WOMEN are willing to have sex with someone she can

(fill in again - lots of choices here too).

So, like the chicken or the egg question . . .

WHO GOES FIRST?

Dear DR.

(MY TRUE STORY used as a compilation of issues in marriage)

The very night I met him I knew I wanted to be with him. There was something in that moment that caught my stomach by surprise and held my brain in the jello mold of wondering who this man was and how I could be part of his life. We weren't children when we met but we were, of course, less mature than we are now, though there are moments when we both have to wonder how true that statement really is. We dated, we didn't jump into bed on the first date (well we thought about it but we didn't) that was the true test that he was the "new" difference in my life, there were plenty of guys who would have been quite happy to take what they could and move on - and a few who did just that.

But he didn't, he knew I was different for him too.

DEAR HELPERS - HELP

Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura, Dr. Ruth, and whoever else is out there trying to save us simple humans from our relationship disasters.

It seems there is a consensus of information,

Men: (according to most men and studies) NEED SEX - to feel - connected, in love, empowered, respected, needed, rejuvenated, able to take on life and sometimes just to function.

and

Women: (according to the ones I know and studies) NEED TO FEEL - connected, in love, empowered, respected, needed, rejuvenated, able to take on life, and . . . sometimes . . . just to function, to HAVE SEX.

Twelve years later

We barley speak - unless it's about our children, (I won't have sex until problems are addressed and he won't speak unless I have sex) we still revel in their accomplishments as a team while
We run from our relationship "dragons"
If we have sex - it's for physical reasons only (his) and it doesn't seem to matter what our emotional state is if (his) body needs it
We don't have the same affection we once did
We can't even look into each others eyes the way we once did
We can see where we know we gave it our all, we both know there were days when our best wasn't the best possible but, it was the best we could do that day - we're both sure of that - Now
He says (without looking at me) "there's nothing wrong" and he "has no regrets" but
I feel like an endless "spot" of giving that never seems to find what I need in this journey (typical WOMAN right)

Sigh . . .

There are so many people out there MEN and WOMEN alike who feel like they've hit the impassible moment - that all-consuming time of hopelessness when you fall on your knees and look to the sky hoping GOD really is everywhere and really knows everything. Tear filled eyes stare to heaven and say . . .

HELP, I just want to stop HURTING HIM, AND ME!

That moment when you can no longer fight back the pain and insurmountable anguish that comes when you realize

you've lost the love you promised to share forever -

"Till death do us part."

when that moment comes you may even pray death will come sooner than later

You've emptied your well of hope and "just keep going, just keep loving" are the bricks at the bottom of the well, those two 'justs' absorb every ounce of moisture left in your heart for the relationship you've wanted your whole life, the one you wanted to last your whole life.

There are others, like myself, who are on the brink, wondering

"Is it really worth it to drudge through the pain and heartache?"

Especially -

"Should we do it JUST for the sake of our children?" anyone who has them knows how much it breaks our own hearts to even think about breaking up their lives into tiny little mom and dad fragments of this weekend or that holiday.

"If the answer, as it seems, is a resounding YES, then where do we start?"

IF . . .

men need sex to feel and women need to feel to truly enjoy sex, shouldn't it be up to both to make the connection FIRST.

Maybe my morals are too tight on this one but, how

is it OK

to have sex to

SAVE a relationship?

I'm feeling hopeless and defensive but there is a point to my one-sided thinking.

If women need to feel connected to have sex,

and men need sex to feel connected -

Shouldn't we start . . .

In the middle . . .

BOTH men and women gain and regain from the act of having sex, obviously there is a reason our bodies are made the way they are, in addition to sex being about proliferating our species, there are benefits to our differences.

Men are strong, straightforeward and fairly stream lined - in mind, and in strong, sturdy, enduring physical ways.

While women have curves, softness, and flexibility - in our minds and hearts as well as the tangible, visual, sensual nature of our forms.

It is understandable how we both need to give as well as receive from the plentiful garden (puke) of resources each sex has to offer.

Who doesn't like the caught up feeling in a movie when the hero has won and the love of his life is smiling straight into his melting heart?

Me. Because I know he's going to want sex while she's still bleeding from the fight.

JUST PUT FROSTING ON THAT DRIED UP CAKE

So many books, articles, and web pages lead to this answer

Keeping physical contact will ensure the duration of a marriage, even one that is in trouble.

Do you remember the concept, don't have sex to CREATE a relationship? Is it really OK then to impliment the concept, "have more sex" just to SAVE a relationship? Is it really that simple, when you get to this point, to just say . . .

HAVE MORE SEX ?

I'm sorry MEN, I know YOU need SEX. But how much sex is it going to take to undo all of the nights you've slept in separate beds? How much is going to pay the unpaid bills and replay all the moments you should have talked to each other, when someone should have said something to fix things.

Does having sex really wash away all of the questions, the wrongs, the pain, the hurts that have come in and gone out?

I'm sure you WANT the answer to be YES. That is the answer - the place, where many of those how-to-helpers seem to focus. It seems like such a simple answer.

WILL those minutes of physical pleasure correct and undo ALL of the sadness? What happens when those extremes are done and you still have a pile of bills and a ton of questions and differences?

Isn't that like putting incredible frosting on top of a completely

DRIEP UP AND HORRIBLE CAKE? Cake and frosting are meant to compliment each other.

In the middle

In the true sense of morality, no man owns any woman.

So even in traditional marriages where - he goes to work or out 'SLAYING THE DRAGONS' (as many like to put it) of traffic and bosses, and that jerk in the next cubical - while - she stays in 'TENDING THE CASTLE', the children, the dog, and the very relationship that started it all - it's still her body and her right to FEEL right before sharing it with anyone.

Shouldn't it, then, be up to both sexes to fill the gaps when pain and hurt push and pull at the seams?

If HE hasn't spoken to her in days, or wondered why SHE's crying in the middle of the night, or is himself upset that some part of THEIR relationship is amiss would that be the clue to why - she doesn't even want to have sex with me anymore.

If you are with a woman who used to love to make love with you and now there doesn't seem to be any love between you. You BOTH have a duty to find out what is wrong and where to start to fix it.

We know we're not going to fix the financial dilemmas or decide who's driving the kids to soccer while we're heating up or looking for those "spots" . . . AND . . . we know if HE doesn't find the end to the sexual means with his wife, HE is more likely to find it somewhere else, OR if SHE doesn't feel close and appreciated SHE just may find an accidental appreciation somewhere beyond her home.

If men are going to slay the dragons and women are going to be the "keepers" of family and relationship, doesn't that mean they have to fight the relationship demons TOGETHER? A touch can inspire a feeling, and an opening for TWO people to look into each other's eyes and decide to fight the dragons as a team - especially the ones that threaten that very team. HOWEVER, it might be too much to expect that touch to KILL THE DRAGON. It is clear that women go without emotional connection for long periods of time with no apparent resolution on the horizon, that is partly why (along with their own hard work) Dr. Phil, Dr. Ruth, Dr. Laura, Suzie Orman and Oprah all have such success, then shouldn't it be fair to address the "DEMONS" or "DRAGONS" before reconsumation of the relationship (SEX).

If men need sex and women like sex. Shouldn't we be working TOGETHER to get there?

Children always pay the price for divorce

While you think about setting yourself free, look around you to see if there is any ONE time in your day, week, or month where the two of you can see joy in something. IF there is and no one is being physically hurt . . . then . . .

time and tears

TOGETHER by CAJ

it is worth the effort

While I am not a marriage counselor

I am a woman with a man in my life, we have had difference and distance pulling us apart like dragons and demons, they are tough to overcome but, we BOTH have to try,

and usually . . . someone has to go first . . .

MEN

If you miss your wife, your friend, your former provider of SEX, respect and rejuvination. Please think about this (all women are not the same so be patient and persistant but sincere)

If your wife hasn't been abused, or mistreated physically since the intrusion into your life (since SEX started to STOP) then something must have happened betweeeeeeeen the TWO of YOU.

If you are sincere in wanting to save your marriage, do not START with SEX.

Start IN THE MIDDLE of your next argument, or IN THE MIDDLE of the next absence of words, STOP, look at your wife - THE WOMAN YOU MARRIED IS STILL IN THERE - Yes, she looks a little different now, she may have a few different interests, hobbies or convictions, GROWTH AND CHANGE happen to everyone.

IF YOU AREN'T READY TO GIVE UP YET

GENTLY very, very gently, put one hand on her shoulder or her hand, look her IN the eye and let her SEE THE MAN SHE MARRIED.

MAYBE, even ask her very calmly and sincerely WHAT IS WRONG? (expect emotion and maybe even an incomprehensible never ending list - it's been a while since she's spoken - right?) TRY very hard to listen and to show her that YOU REALLY CARE. If she's still yours there will be room for tears and a hug. NOT SEX.

If you make it through this conversation, you will have connected to her her in the three most necessary ways: You listened to her MIND and Her HEART, and eventually you will reconnect with her BODY.

Look her in the eye, there just might be tears of joy, pain, forgiveness and PASSION.

MIND, HEART and BODY that is a recipie worth remembering, and repeating - for both of you.

WOMEN

If you miss your man, your husband, your friend and true passion with him. Look past the changes just for a minute. THE MAN YOU MARRIED IS JUST AS ENTITLED TO CHANGE OVER TIME AS YOU ARE.

See the man who looked like your Knight 'once-upon-a-time' (just go with me on the dragon theme please) think about passion and romance, you've been wondering where they are, YOU KNOW. They are tucked inside his NEED and YOUR NEED to be more than just a "spot". You want him to know that you are more than a body and that you still have room in your castle for him, try again.

You think you've done it all and just can't be the one who saves the relationship AGAIN but, if you don't try, you'll never know.

If you are SINCERE and have a sprinkle of HOPE or WANT for your marriage, you know SEX isn't the answer but, CLOSENESS IS.

The next time you're anywhere IN THE MIDDLE of a room with him, kids or no kids - they'd benefit to see you try - DON'T YELL AT ANYONE - touch his arm or put your chin near his ear, if he's in the room with you, there's still hope. Whisper to his cheek (or whatever works - they're just as different as we are) look him in the eye, or nuzzle into his neck and tell him how much you miss the passion between you but, that you cannot be passionate untill you know you are respected. If he can't handle it now, he might need time to come back to you. Insist that you have a real reason for your distance. DO NOT GIVE HIM AN HOUR LONG LIST OF WHAT IS WRONG, even a very intellectual man will get lost in your purpose.

TAKE ONE-THING-AT-A-TIME, and be choosy about your battles.

If and when you make it through this conversation, there will be room for more of them.

IMAGINE the PASSION that will be presented when you and your MAN have connected in MIND, HEART and BODY.

If you get "there," and make it to loving him in All three ways again,

HOLD HIS HAND, and

WHEN YOU "GET THERE." LOOK HIM IN THE EYE IT WILL BE A MOMENT YOU WILL BOTH REMEMBER. (those are good tears)

It will be worth the effort, time and tears

If you are on your knees and your well is dry one touch can be the spring that fills your well again.

LOOK EACH OTHER IN THE EYE If you find "that moment" and "those feelings" by working together your tears will become energy and light once again.

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